OF HEART AND SOUL

My mother dear,
involuntary contradictions abound.
My horizons may be confused,
especially more furiously
in times of deep internal fear,
but in the awareness of it all,
this to me is clear ...
I feel sad and sorry, that you are
around no more,
but the minute movements of my
aching heart
know this, too, as a fact no less,
that often I feel sad even more
for the times I knew you around.

Dear mother, I feel sad,not for me,
but for you,
thinking of the furious bout
with destiny,
that never was kind
and ever so unforgiving to you,
even so
to leave your emotions for me
crippled for ever !

You were alive, and yet not alive,
I knew for long you were not well.
You were there, and yet not there
for me
since my lone infancy years,
and therefore, naturally, and
sometimes,even unconventionally,
I blame
myself
for being born !

What a contradiction is this ? ...
I am happy that I saw you, but too
sad that I could never know you,
or your thoughts, or sensations.
For, you never talked of what was
ever going on within you, my dear.
The questions, the conflicts,
the storms,
the silent sighs of your dark nights,
and the quiet moans, and
the mourns beneath your eyes ...

all within, and never said, or even
indirectly expressed or ever shown.

When my world gets withdrawn
and disintegrated to atoms
by a warm friendship showered,
and then recoiled in a wink,
looking at the sky I nourish
a vortex of unkind dark thoughts,
and I think, and think,
beyond recall,
as if for ever ....
in the chilly eerie awareness of
the moment I saw you last,
I ask with a frozen emotion,
and ask, and ask
" Mother, was I the reason ? "

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Vijay Nikore

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